Remembrance: 20 years.
There are days I feel like my life is so boring without you. You were the pinnacle of who I could go to for ideas, help, gossip, reassurance, wisdom, and connection. You kept me on the straight & narrow - or you tried anyway. (oh who am I kidding, I rarely stepped out of line.)
There are days I don’t think about you at all. OMG, life is stupid busy. What a mistake. Busy busy busy, excuses, justifications, rationalizations… for the love of God! Why can’t we just pause more? I wish parents taught their kids how to slow down and/or do nothing. (in appropriate amounts - we don’t want any lazy bones laying around). But even if I don’t think about you, I sense you. I see you. I know you’re there. Maybe that’s why i don’t worry about thinking about you every day. You’ll be there when I need you.
Then there are days, specifically today, where you dominate my thoughts. I prefer silence on these days. I do a lot of heavy sighing. I light candles, soften my gaze, and my edges, and I reminisce. Sometimes I clean the entire house. Or make rouladen & dumplings. And I usually go shopping so you can buy me something I don’t need.
But the best part of this day is the silence. I don’t need to hear your voice chirping in my ear. Asking questions I don’t want to answer, or telling me what to do, when I already know how to do it, MOM! But in the silence, I can feel your presence. And my heart swells so much, tears spill out of my eyes.
We’ve reached another milestone, Mom. 20 years without you on this earth. There are now more people than less who knew you. Who knew you as my mom, or as Nana, or as a woman named Estelle. Your sister, Aunt Marion, is the only one left from your sibling group. Well into her 90s and doing the best she can, each and every day, with the love and support of her daughters. My cousins are soooo lucky to still have their mom on this earth.
This isn’t a long love letter. It’s a remembrance. It’s me slowing down to hold you close in my heart & in my thoughts. It’s acknowledging the world is a little less shiny for me today. a little less joyful. a little less promising. maybe even a little less hope.
But it’s also a beautiful, brand-new day where not only I can remember you, and I can send love & happy thoughts to my friend who has a birthday today. Yes, I’m thankful I can see the yin and yang. The balance required to keep moving forward. I have so many good days. And the bad days remind me to appreciate the good days! And the bad days don’t last… this too shall pass.
there are days…
and then there are weeks!
this is what i know: i’m blessed. i’m lucky. i’m safe. i’m okay.
there are things that happen in a moment, an hour, a day, that naturally shape the outcome of it. and that, in turn, also alters the path for whether we go left, right, continue straight… or god forbid, go backwards.
yet there’s another layer that intertwines with what’s happening all around us and that is what’s happening within us.
the key to managing the moment? intentional breathing. inhaling and exhaling.
for the most part, this bodily function happens without me working at it or even thinking about it. so if I hone in or channel it, i am able to pay attention to it and think, regulate, function and BE in the moment, ready as i can be for what should happen next - because my breath has slowed me down. i’ve held space for myself. what a concept.
this was the “vacation” that wasn’t.
yes, we had sunshine and a couple walks on the beach, but we also had life course changing events that could have been catastrophic. (thankfully, that didn’t happen.)
pegs broken femur, almost stroking out and dealing with deeply bruised ribs has affected and changed her (and herbs) path (again) and it’s one neither of them want to be on.
we’ve all done a lot of breathing.
the failures and miscommunications by the hospital, insurance company and the home health care companies, the phone calls, voicemails, messages, unanswered and unreturned calls, all of it adding up to more delays instead of making any solid forward progress.
being stuck in limbo that we don’t understand and can’t seem to maneuver is unsettling, confusing, scary and a little maddening. let me tell you… i’ve breathed deep!
todays calamities are almost laughable. my breath and my focus on hope became an anchor. my way to stay in the moment and face each and every mishap, surprise, question, upset, calamity, comedy of errors, etc. ugh.
why? because someone was watching and taking cues. it was important to pay attention to what (who) was around me. remaining calm, methodical, thoughtful and kind. this was important and so much better than the alternatives. there’s always a bigger picture, is there not?
it is what it is.
now, at the same time, i noticed my humanness seeping through more than i’d like. i wanted to lash out, to be furious and indignant. i wanted to cry and let those hot tears melt me into a puddle.
sometimes my heart aches and i don’t understand why, how, and when this will end. so much of it is not fair. my plate is so full. what kind of sense of humor does God have!? can i really carry all this weight and not let it crush me? how do i not give up?
i breathe.
inhaling and exhaling until that anxiety within settles down.
it’ll be okay. this is not a big deal. it’s not that bad. i will survive. it’s fine.
how often will i have to talk myself down from the ledge? as often as it takes. because i am a work in progress and i know i can forgive myself. after all: i am human.
I'm sure there is a lot more i could say. there usually is.
but this is what i know: i’m blessed, I'm lucky, I'm safe and I'm okay.
so much more.
tonight (well, this morning…) wraps up my 3rd trip to california in the last 6 months. the origins of my story started quite a while ago - phone calls, messages… etc, (and written a couple blogs ago) but the heart of this journey came when my kids wanted to meet the people that I said we were related to. uncles galore. a grandfather. new cousins. so surreal, yet meant so much more once everyone was on board, it made my heart happy.
september was my initial visit to see what i was getting into.
january was the family visit so everyone had a footing for how they wanted to move forward.
march was a quick - hey lets go back to california. but it was more than that. this past week was just for me. (well, me and Michael) i wanted this week to be like what regular life might have been like if i lived there. so living with my dad and yolie, then arranging dinners with my brothers (one on one) and looking forward to having a siblings dinner (that included cousins)… i dunno. i just wanted some ME time with my DAD and my BROTHERS.
I wanted to learn more. To listen to their stories, their histories. And then to share my gifts. i cooked and i hope i was a thoughtful house guest. i stayed independent but was happy to have others take care of me. The weather didn’t cooperate, but I still managed to appreciate being on the west coast. I almost met my friend for years ago, but that will have to wait for the next time. I’m sorry jill,
I was living my paternal life: breakfast with dad every morning, (thanks to yolie) but holy hell, she cooked way too much every day! Dinners with my brothers - some or all.
I made dinner for Joey and his mom Anna. Rene came, but Kathy wasn’t feeling well. (his wife, my sister-in-law!) But fortunately, we had dinner - just the 4 of us - the night before, so we had “our time”.
My brothers mothers, Anna and Tillie are amazing. Tillie is a fighter. Anna is beautiful and strong. I hven’t had the time I wanted to spend with Tillie. She has so much on her plate these days, but our time will come. I was able to see Anna this trip. I view her like I viewed my mom.. don’t mess with her or her kids. She kept commenting on how I looked so much like Richard’s (my dad’s) sister: Nellie. Or Aurora. I will clarify later. But she showed me a picture that blew my freaking mind. And I’m guessing it will blow yours too. I mean, just look at it!
This blog will not be as long as the previous two. I am content. I have found a family I didn’t know I had. or wanted. or needed. it doesn’t mean a thing to anyone but us. I have new relationship to build. New family to learn about but what isn’t new are the family dynamics. My new family is just like yours. there are issues, troubles, frustrations. There are great relationships, troubled relationships, and strained relationships. Our history is rich! deep! amazingly complicated, yet it’s life.
But what I love most of all? they are all human. How human of me, how human of you. We do what we can, with what we have, in the present moment. I wish I could remember this more.
What do I know right now? I have a DAD. A father. My kids have a grandfather. I have 5 brothers. My kids have 5 uncles, some aunts, and cousins! I have a lifeline that I didn’t know I had or needed. I have faith. I have trust. and I have so much love… we havent even begun to know how far all of this will take us.
Yep. blessed beyond words. beyond reason.
Family Connections
My brothers: Joey, Rene, (me) Adrian, Richard, and Dad!
My fairytale continues to be in full swing. And it’s still such a lovely story! I believe this because my heart beats a little stronger, my eyes light up a little brighter, and my smile beams bigger than ever. These indicators tell me that I am definitely enjoying the constant reminders that I have a whole new world to discover with a really big west coast family!!
When i left California in September, my Dad and StepMom, Yolie, invited me and my entire family to return in January for her 75th birthday celebration. So when i got back to Kroft castle, i started planting the seeds to see how they felt about this invitation, and subsequently, who wanted to go with me. Over the weeks and months that followed, my Dad and I texted or talked every single day. Yes, occasionally we might skip a day here or there, but never more than one day passed that we didn’t connect. I cannot describe how that feels. Sometimes I feel my heart melt. And it’s still happening. I love his voice. Sometimes we talk about the weather, or he will tell me to go home! when I’m out and about, or go to bed! since being on the east coast is 3 hours later than it is for him. And sometimes we talk about important things - but not too important - because after all, he is a charmer, and he does make me laugh.
Dad & I
Although I’ve been experiencing a lot of joy & love these days, there are a few things that have given me pause. First, there is one important someone who isn’t here to experience all this with me. My Mom, Estelle. Today (27 January) is the anniversary of her death (19 years!) and she’s been in the forefront of my mind all week. This is partly because my brothers, Rene & Richard, just experienced a tragedy in their family. Their sister, Carol, suddenly died last week. I didn’t get to meet her. She was only 63. Today was her funeral. It’s been heartbreaking for them, their mom, Tillie, their other sister Lisa, and Carol’s family. I know this pain all to well. Here one day, and then gone. It can be soul-crushing. This is why it’s so important to NOT WAIT when something is tugging at your heart. When you know there could be regret… don’t wait. life is too damn short. And then tomorrow, (28 January) my Dad will celebrate his 80th birthday. That’s a lot of emotional up and downs. How I wish I was back in California! And one more interesting thing that happened on 28 January 2022, that’s when i received this message: “My name is Rene. I live is southern California. This says we are half siblings. Let's chat.”. I think these are some serious Family Connections, don’t you? Ah yes, but I digress. Let’s go back to my fairytale.
I think it’s a big endeavor to fly across the country. Even if you find a deal; the basic fares suck. You have to pay extra for seats, baggage, worry about layovers and connections, and take time off from work. and the jet lag! ugh. Then, if you have someone (like Michael!) who isn’t a fan of flying, the energy spent discussing and convincing them isn’t just anxiety provoking for them; it’s emotionally and mentally exhausting for me, too. Add in short term memory loss and the conversations (and cycle) repeats over and over and over again. As time went by, all the kids got on board with this family trip, (one at a time) and at the end of the day, they were instrumental in helping Michael see the significance in going with us.
Anyway, long story short, the flights were booked, the bags were packed, and everyone was ready. We all had different flights on different airlines, but that made it nice for them to have their own mini-vacations, and it was less stress for me, as I could focus on just Michael and me.
Our trip began on Friday, 13 January. Michael and i planned to fly to NYC that morning to surprise Ryan and Alyssa. Back in October, on a whim and after a few cocktails, Heather and I bought tickets to see Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden. He’s a big deal for both of us, Michael, too, Our love for Billy and his music is another story. Suffice to say, we pulled off the surprise (as they both tackled me and almost knocked me over!). We had the best time strolling around the Big Apple, introducing Ryan and Alyssa to all the things that make NYC so cool & memorable. (Michael and I had only one small glitch - which will give us plenty to laugh about and shake our heads at later in life. I’m just grateful Heather was there to keep me grounded) The concert that evening was fantastic and many tears were shed as we sang along to our favorites, and made more awesome memories together! Billy had his own Family Connection happening that night, his daughter, Alexa Rae, now sings with him on certain songs. It was moving and she has a great voice, too! The next day, we left Heather and the kids to explore on their own, and we made our way back to JFK to catch a 4p EST direct flight to LAX.
The Piano Man, MSG
By 9p PST Saturday night, Michael and I were reconnected with our kids. Everyone was on the west coast together for the very first time ! My Dad and Yolie picked us up and we all met back at his house, where we were staying. Everyone was looking forward to the party on Sunday, (even tho the Bills were playing at 10a PST. Thankfully, they won that one. hah) We all knew the time spent on the west coast would be a whirlwind, but everyone was open to it. And now … my whole east coast family has met my west coast family !
Yolie, (Yolanda) is my stepmom. And she is awesome. Attentive to my Dad, caring, nurturing to those around her, and she’s super smart and loves to talk. I felt an easy and comfortable connection to her right away and i enjoy listening to her as she tirelessly works at spinning multiple plates. We could teach each other a lot. She planned, arranged and executed a lovely affair with all her family and friends gathered around her. Like I said, we connect. And I think she’s brilliant.
The party was attended by all my brothers, their families, and so many friends & colleagues of Dad and Yolie. I met several cousins! People were coming up to me and gushing about how cool they thought this whole story is; and that my Dad is so happy that he has a daughter! Talk about heartwarming. After the party, my brothers, some of their families and a few cousins went back to my Dad’s house. Guys: it’s just like at Kroft Castle! Everyone sitting around, talking, laughing, sharing! We ordered pizza and wings and I wished the night would never end.
I know each of my kids enjoyed meeting their new family, too. They have cousins now and they are close in age. The natural connection between Holly and Sarah was just as amazing and natural as Rachel and Sarah’s. Rachel went out with her Uncle Adrian and cousins Michael and Jenna late that night, and a Tesla uber brought her home. how cool is that?! well, i thought it was cool.
new uncles & cousins for my kids!
Jake and his grandfather connected too. I can’t put my finger on it, but they just “got” each other and really seemed to enjoy joking around and laughing. Maybe it was the sunglasses, but they were always smiling at each other. I don’t know what to call it, but it’s there… a real familiar connection.
Jake & his Grandfather
Michael was amazing. He traveled extremely well, and he thoroughly enjoyed meeting everyone, even though he can’t keep the names or relationships straight. He’s in the process of creating a family tree with pictures so he knows who I’m talking about! Every morning, Michael and my Dad would sit at the kitchen table, while Yolie was make breakfast, (doing dishes, listening in on a conference call or planning out the day, etc) …, and they would talk and talk. I think that’s when it all clicked for him. These people, these connections are his family, too.
Joey, Richard, Michael, Me, Rene & Adrian
Before we left on this trip, Michael asked the question of how my mom and dad (Estelle and John) would feel about this discovery, and these new family connections. I wholeheartedly believe my mom would have been on the same plane with us, going out to meet everyone, to see for herself and “check them out” ~ as only Estelle could. I’m also pretty sure she would have been secretly relieved that they live on the west coast, . But with my mom and dad gone, traveling to visit my father in California seems like the natural thing to do. Besides, she’s always with me in spirit.
I believe that family is a term for people who spend the time, who do the work, and who are there for one another. I don’t believe that blood automatically makes you care about someone. I’ve been in a blended family for 30 years now, and from my personal experience… well, that’s another story, too.
I still sit back sometimes and just wonder about all of it. But, more than anything, I’m so grateful that these west coast people reached out and have embraced me and my family in they ways that they have. Now we will become a family. Now, it’s the time we spend together. (Individual 1:1s; or in groups). The conversations, the laughter, the serious talks, the tears and the joy create a connection that is bonding these west coast people to my heart, and to my children’s hearts. We are investing in each other and this family connection. And I won’t wait for some day. I won’t miss out on any more time apart. Some day is now.
My FairyTale.
Wonder. Truth. Acceptance. Love.
My Fairytale.
All of my life I’ve felt like I should have a fairytale. Not a princess to be rescued or anything like that, but a life story that was amazing, joy-filled, with the typical ups & downs, not too much suspense, and something that made you sit back and go wow, what a story!
Well, I think I’ve uncovered it.
Without comparison, I am loving how this story has been unfolding. And as it turns out, it’s been unfolding since the day I was born. I’ve held my breath, I’ve held space, and now I have a story, a fairytale, if you will, to hold in my heart, forever.
This is my fairytale.
I was born on May 3, 1965 at 3:02p EST, at General Hospital in Rochester, NY. I was adopted two weeks later.
My parents, John & Estelle Eckl had been trying for 15 years to conceive. There was nothing more in this world that Estelle wanted than to be a mom. After heartbreak after heartbreak, they applied for adoption.
On May 3rd, 1965, at 3pm EST, they had an appointment to discuss their plan. I’m presuming the adoption office had many questions for these prospective parents, but the most important one came at the end of their meeting: Could you be ready in two weeks? A baby girl was just born.
Life with John and Estelle was amazing. And looking back, I can confidently say that my mom and dad adopting me, and subsequently, my younger sister, Jan, was a dream come true. Just like a fairytale should be. I (we) grew up in a family that loved me (us), and that was enough.
We were taught right from wrong. They took us to church, we were baptized and later in life, we went to Sunday school. They gave every opportunity and advantage they could: piano lessons from 4 years old on, flute lessons, art lessons, dance lessons, baton twirling lessons. We played sports like softball, bowling, and tennis. We learned to swim in our backyard pool. We rode our bicycles everywhere and played with our neighborhood friends from sunup till sundown.
We took family vacations - annual trips to Florida in April, and summer trips to Canada before the beginning of the next school year. We went to Disney World and Universal Studios. And we traveled in the back of our station wagon to many other states on the east coast & other places too, like the Bahamas, Puerto Rico, Mexico, Hawaii and California. We were blessed.
We learned magic tricks and held carnivals in the backyard. We painted rocks, and made shrinky-dinks, dippity-do flowers and learned to sew, cross-stitch, knit and crochet.
Mom’s house became the neighborhood playground. My Mom could do anything and everything. She was an all-star in so many ways.
But it wasn’t all play time. Mom tempered our lives with chores & responsibilities. We had fish to feed, and gerbil cages to clean. We learned to paint and garden. We shoveled snow (but we played in it more than shoveled it) We had dishes to wash and clothes to fold; and we were expected to keep our rooms clean. Can you believe that? When mom told you to do something, you did it. Period.
I wrote this 20 years ago for their 50th wedding anniversary on April 26th, 2002:
A tribute to Mom & Dad:
What a milestone. You have succeeded in a partnership that so many others only dream of, and few actually achieve. You have reached your 50th wedding anniversary. For 50 years you have been together! This is no small feat. Together, you have been through good times and through tough times. First without children, and then with children, and now with grandchildren, too.
Together you have worked at your home and family, as well as your jobs. You have instilled in us the basic principle that we should “do it right the first time” - so we wouldn't have to go back, or worse, have someone else go back, and do it for us. (sometimes that principle has worked for us, and sometimes it hasn’t. But we will always try.)
If we asked you what it takes to stay together for 50 years, what would you say? Do you know? The two of you are as different as night and day. Oh well, they say opposites attract. If you look at Michael and I, what more proof do you need?!
Dad is quiet but steady. Always there, willing to do whatever has been asked of him. Always willing to let mom do whatever it was she felt like doing - buy new clothes, rearrange the furniture, paint the house that aqua-color. To my knowledge, dad never denied her anything. From our perspective, if we had asked for the sun, moor or stars, I believe dad would have tried to get it for us - provided we had asked mom first. Your contentment to putter around the yard, or doze in your chair says how comfortable you are with your surroundings. You have a peaceful way about you. Your love is beyond words. Hmm, maybe that’s why he was so quiet . He is a good and generous man, someone we are proud of, someone we will always care about, someone we call Dad.
Then there’s Mom. Generous, not so silent, and always busy, busy, busy. If you aren’t cleaning or “doing” something, you’d be yelling at us, or dad, to “get busy.” Mom’s heart is as big as the world. She’d do almost anything for almost anyone. WIth a sense of responsibility that covers everything she touched. Her family, which included relatives near and far, her sister, brothers, nieces, and their families, her grandchildren, as well as her work family. Whenever any of us has required help, you have always been there in one way or the other. Ready, willing and able. (Sometimes with a bit more enthusiasm that we would like.)
And along the way, the two of you have raised two unique daughters. Yet there are wonderful similarities. Because of you, we are independent, resilient and strong women. Because of you, we are thoughtful, helpful and loving. We may not do all the things the way you would have liked us to do, but we do it the way we believe we should given what you have taught us - and we usually get the job done. You should take pride in this.
Mom & Dad, I may never match your generosity, your love, your caring ways for us, and now for our growing family, but we can promise you we will try. Your support through all the phases of our lives has been unwavering. Whether you agreed with what our choices have been or not, you have accepted them and that is a great gift.
So on this incredibly special day, we say thank you, for all your wonderful examples, for your support and love for each other and for us, and we say congratulations on this milestone occasion. May you always know how much we love and respect you, Mom & Dad, Nana & Poppa, Aunt & Uncle, Mother-in-law & Father-in-law.
Written by your children, with love & admiration. 26 April 2002
i will always honor and recognize how amazing my parents were because I wouldn’t have had the life I have without them.
That said, there were a couple other people in this fairytale that I knew nothing about. My biological mother and my biological father.
My sister and I were raised knowing we were adopted. There was no mystery or secrets. My cousin, JoJo, was also adopted, and so was one of my school friends. So it wasn’t an uncommon concept or discussion for us.
Sometimes we mused about who our biological parents were - and all the questions that arose from those musings.
What did they look like?
Were they nice people?
Whatever happened to them?
Did they miss us or were they sad about giving us up for adoption?
What would happen if we ever found each other?
Would they be happy or upset that we were disrupting their lives?
What if they wanted nothing to do with us?
We’ve all heard different stories for how these reunions can sometimes go. For many, it’s not a happy ending or the fairytale they had hoped for.
When I was older, in my teens, I asked my mom if she had any information on my biological parents. She had vague answers, but I never got the feeling she was keeping anything from me. Knowing Estelle, she probably started the conversation with, This is what I know:
My biological mother was 16. She got pregnant, and my grandfather sent away to a home for unwed, pregnant girls (because it was NOT COOL to be pregnant at 16 in 1965) and when it came time for my birth, she came back to Rochester and delivered me at General Hospital.
My biological father was 18.
They wanted to continue their education (i.e. go to college), and they were not staying together, so it was decided to give me up for adoption and they went on with their lives.
No geographical clues. No other family history. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Okay, whatever.
My Mom died suddenly in 2004. She was 71. Almost 4 weeks into the new year, on January 27th, 2004. She was driving down the road and suffered a heart attack. Fortunately she wasn’t going fast, and as she slumped over the wheel, her foot slipped off the accelerator and she slowly drifted to the side of the road. My high school friend, Sal, a police officer at the time, was off duty and happened to be behind her on the road, so he was the one who called me. I will never forget his kindness, nor his assistance that day. It was the worst day of my life.
It took us a while before we could begin the process of purging. We dragged our feet for 8 months. When we could finally bring ourselves to start the clean out process, we discovered treasures to cherish forever!
I found a stack of “love” letters, still in their “par-avion” envelopes, in the bottom drawer of her sky-blue painted desk in the basement. They were from 1951. To be able to read from the moment they met, fell in love, and decided to marry - how cool to know John and Estelle had their own fairytale!
I also found my formal adoption documents and a very interesting piece of paper that had mom’s handwriting. Scribbled notes and cryptic details about my biological mother (on one side) and my biological father (on the other side). Whether or not she knew she had this, or had forgotten, it was more details than I had been given before.
The adoption papers listed me as “Baby Girl Baird”. I had a last name. My cousin, JoJo, fancies herself as a part-time sleuth. With the potential hope of finding my biological mom and/or dad, she started digging and began texting me questions and sharing with me what she was finding. It wasn’t much, plus the trail was quite cold, so we needed to do more digging.
I decided to do one of those DNA test kits to see what my heredity background was. I was so excited to learn I was 30% native american! I was SO intrigued ! Then the next time I checked it, updates had been made, and it changed to 30% indigenous american. What exactly is that!? I started googling so I had specific definitions and demographics to understand what that meant for me.
The 23&me.com also offers the ability to be matched with others that share DNA. Unfortunately, most didn’t feel like they would be related to me because the majority of them lived in California and some in Texas. I was still operating under the belief I was local. With the knowledge that my mother was deceased, and no information on my father, I let it go.
Early in 2020, the Governor decided to unseal adoption records in New York State. So, if I wanted, I could fill out a form to get my pre-adoption birth certificate for $68. Sure! That sounded promising! So I did it.
On February 24, 2020, I applied for my pre-adoption birth record for Heidi Marie Eckl. The confirmation email said it should take 45-60 days to process.
Guess what happened not even 3 weeks later. Yup. The world shut down thanks to a pandemic. Covid-19. Government offices were closed indefinitely and there was no info for when this request would be processed. Great. Another delay. Occasionally, I would go to the website but it was always the same vague answer for when they might start working again. Due to Covid-19, yada yada yada.
Then on 24 August 2020, I received an email that my pre-adoption birth certificate had been shipped. Finally, Here it is, in all its glory:
With wonder and trepidation, I let my eyes make their way to the “mother” information block. There was a name, and an age, listed. Bonnie Baird. Woah. I have her name. I looked for my father’s information, but the block was blank. Ugh.
Again, Jo-Jo got busy with renewed energy, and so did I. We started uncovering more information. My biological mother’s full name was Bonnie Baird Domke. My grandparents were Dr. Delmar Eichler Domke and Alma Grace Baird Domke. And my mom had a younger brother, Delmar.
Big problem though. We found the information from obituary notices. I was very sad. My biological mom died tragically at 19 years old. She was a sophomore at Lewis & Clark College in Oregon (what!? That’s across the country!) on an educational tour with a group of college students. She fell to her death while rock climbing in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. You have GOT to be kidding me. I couldn’t believe what I was reading.
Now, as you can read in the obits above, my grandfather was a medical doctor who served as an Army surgeon during World War II, traveling throughout Europe. My grandmother, Alma accompanied him. My mom was born in Austria on March 31st, 1948.
That isn’t the part that caught my attention. Bonnie’s memorial service was in WEBSTER, NY. My grandmother was from IRONDEQUOIT. With 3 sisters, (my mother’s aunt's) Wilda Jane, Elizabeth Marie, and Olive Maude.
It appears the Domke’s lived in Oregon. And at the time of Bonnie’s death in 1968, Dr. Domke was medical director for the Oregon State Welfare Commission. Bonnie went to school in Oregon.
So how did I end up being put up for adoption in Rochester, NY?
I’m guessing some of what my mom was told was true, but in reverse. I’m thinking when Bonnie told her parents she was pregnant, they weren’t all that happy. Certainly it was not good that their unwed, high school daughter was pregnant in 1965. I believe they shipped her to Irondequoit to live with her aunt(s) until it was time to deliver the baby. After I was born, she returned to Oregon. Definitely plausible, don’t you think?
Both grandparents have since passed away, and to my shock, they are buried, with Bonnie, at WEBSTER UNION CEMETERY.
Are you kidding me!? My mom and dad are buried at Webster Union Cemetery.
This was a lot to process. Is this a fairytale or a nightmare!?
It’s okay… it gets better.
* * * * * * * * *
On January 28th, 2022, I received this message via 23&me.com:
My name is Rene Rodriguez. I live in southern California. This says we are half siblings. Let's chat.
And so it began. I noticed I started holding my breath again - this is not a habit I want to rekindle, so I would remind myself, just breathe - take it one step at a time and stay in this moment. Don’t let the wonder of this take over!
At first, I didn’t believe him. I was so bummed that everyone on my maternal side had passed away, I figured I’d never know much, especially about finding my biological father. There was NO way to find him. Or so I thought.
Rene persisted. On March 22nd, 2020, we finally graduated from messaging to texting. He had almost all the same information as I did about my biological mom and her parents (my grandparents).
So I dug out what my mom had told me about my biological father (and what was on that hand-written page) and shared it with him. He was going to speak to his dad and see how he reacted to this. We agreed some of the pieces didn’t all fit. But we both agreed that DNA doesn’t lie.
One night we talked on the phone. As soon as I heard Rene’s voice, it felt incredibly familiar. It was like talking to an old friend. Family, if you will. He is soft spoken and very articulate. I enjoyed our conversation immensely. He told me his thoughts and impressions about his dad while growing up and now, and I shared more about me and my life. We decided to talk more, ask questions, share pictures and he asked if he could share my cell number with his brothers. I said sure. He was also going to go back to his dad to see what he remembered from 1964.
Rene‘s dad was very skeptical about me being his daughter. He didn’t remember Bonnie. So, how could this be? But the boys were pretty sure. Again, DNA doesn’t lie.
A month later, April 2022, I was in Florida with Heather. A new text message came in from someone named Richard. Richard is Rene’s (full) brother. We texted the rest of that evening and then he sent me a quick video of himself so I could hear his voice and see him “talking to me.” It was wonderful.
In August, I facetimed with another brother named Adrian! Adrian is Richard & Rene’s half brother. And there were still a couple more to go! Joey and Michael. WOW.
After that call, I kept toying with the idea of flying out to California. What better way to check everything, and everyone, out for myself.
My logic was: what if something happened and I never got to meet my biological father face to face? I would be crushed.
So I booked a ticket to LAX for a weekend. I prepared myself to only meet the brothers that were interested in meeting me. I mean you never know, their dad or the boys could have refused to meet me. Just because I knew I wasn’t looking for anything or trying to disrupt anyone’s life, doesn't mean they didn’t. Once I told Rene about the ticket, I reiterated that it was just a chance to simply meet. No pressure on anyone. Rene was very happy to know that I was interested in coming out to do this. So he let his brothers know, and then he called his dads’ wife, Yolie, to update her on the story and that I was coming to California with the hopes of a meeting - face to face - with their dad. Yolie said, We’ll make it happen.
Here’s the rest of my fairytale.
My father’s name is Richard Rodriguez. He was born on January 28th, 1943 and grew up in Los Angeles, California. He is the youngest, with 7 older brothers and 5 sisters.
At 17, he enlisted in the Air Force. At 18, he married a woman named Ruth. She lived in Washington State. They had a son named James when he was 20. During this time, Richard was stationed in Puerto Rico for 2 years. When he was discharged in April 1964, he was 21. He went to Washington State and collected Ruth and James and they moved to California. It didn’t go well, as Ruth missed her home and her family. Richard understood, but he was set on staying in California. They split up, and Ruth moved back to Washington State with James. Unbeknownst to Richard, she was pregnant with their daughter, Lori. I don’t believe they’ve ever met or if they did, it was very brief. I don't expect to meet either of them, but you never know.
Richard was very popular back in his hey-day. According to his sons, he’s charming and charismatic; with lots of girlfriends. Somewhere in there, during the late summer of ‘64, he and Bonnie got together.
Early in 1965, he was in a relationship with a woman named Tilly, and they had 2 sons together: Richard, (born 4 months after me) and Rene, born in 1966. He and Tilly split, and Richard married Anna. Together they had 3 sons: Michael, Joey and Adrian. Are you keeping count? That’s SEVEN HALF-SIBLINGS for me!
Richard and Rene spent a lot of time with Michael, Joey and Adrian and they all view themselves as one family, and that includes their moms, Anna and Tilly. I love this more than I can articulate.
James and Lori are not in the picture and live far away. But all the boys, my brothers, live in California, relatively close to each other. So out of the 5, Richard, Rene, Michael, Joey and Adrian, I am the oldest. Adrian is the baby - 20 years my junior. (Unfortunately he was in Europe when I was visiting so I didn’t get to meet him face to face.)
. *. *. *. *. *.
This has all felt so surreal and strange. I have approached all of it with awe and simple wonder, wrapped in so much gratitude. Ok. here we go.
Friday, September 16th, I flew into Los Angeles airport. My brother, Rene picked me up and we went to dinner at the iconic Phillippe’s for french dips.
(I quickly noticed that everything worthwhile in LA is iconic, legendary, and/or world-renowned) And I have to say, the food really was fantastic! I knew right away we would have a good time eating our way through LA, if nothing else. Taquitos, Tacos, Steaks, In & Out Burgers! It was ALL delicious.
Rene was kind enough to be my chauffeur, my tour guide, my historian, and all the while, I just felt that he was my brother. He took such good care of me, checking in if I was too quiet, asking how I was feeling, if I had questions, was I nervous or anxious. Waiting for me when I wasn’t ready. And anything I wanted to do or didn't want to do, he deferred to me. We kept the entire weekend flexible. And he never made me feel bad or stupid for some of the questions that I asked. I felt so safe and at ease with everything and everyone. I am forever grateful for that and the credit goes to Rene.
Saturday morning. Time to meet my family for breakfast. Richard coordinated this. .
When morning came, I realized I should start journaling after meditation in order to really remember things - in the moment - for after I returned. Then I was ready for the day.
Rene picked me up and we went to the California Grill.
One by one, they all arrived. Hugs for hellos seemed the preferred method of meeting for the first time. Again, it all felt natural and comfortable. We would just look at each other and I would think, wow. The wonder of it all. Sometimes it was said out loud.
First to arrive was little Michael, my nephew. A tall, handsome young man, 30 years old and an attorney at Universal Studios music department. He’s so impressive. (I did not meet his dad, my brother Michael, this trip)
As the 3 of us made our way to the table, my brother Joey arrived. So handsome and a little on the quiet side. But he had the biggest, most genuine smile I’ve ever seen. More hugs. Bear hugs. I loved that. And then I immediately gave him a little grief about his choice of hats. Haha.
Joey has his own business, like his father’s. He runs an HVAC company in Hacienda Heights. He’s very strong and very busy. He also helps out at his friend Johnny’s bar & restaurant. He does the grilling and many other things, but thank God for this connection because I needed a place to go watch the Bills play on Monday afternoon!! (Evidently there’s a lack of Bills backer bars in East L.A.)
Richard arrived - with flowers, omg - i didn’t know what to say! How thoughtful! I was truly moved. And he brought his mom, Tilly. She is now 86, and could easily pass for someone in her 70s. Anna arrived, (Joey’s mom) and she is beautiful. We all sat down for a wonderful first meeting. Lots of laughing, talking, and sharing. This is Richard and me:
Here’s the family from Saturday’s breakfast!
Left to Right: Rene, Tilly, Me, Richard, Joey, Anna and Little Michael
The rest of the day was spent with just my brothers Rene, Richard & Joey. We drove all over East L.A., Montebello, and other places. Visiting where they grew up, where they went to school, where my dad went to school and then we’d eat. Or drink. And then sightsee some more. And eat. Or drink. So much fun.
That night, Richard had arranged dinner for a smaller group of us at his favorite steakhouse, Clearman’s: Joey, his girlfriend, Brisa; and Kathy, Rene’s wife of 32 years. We were all so tired. and there was so. much. food! It was amazing!
Sunday morning. This was the day! I journaled, and meditated. I wasn't feeling anxious, just so happy, and (still) filled with wonder.
Rene picked me up and we spent a little time driving around while talking. we were supposed to be at his dads around 1p. what struck me was when we pulled up to the house was when Rene asked: are you ready? I was.
When the door opened, I truly didn’t know what to expect. but it didn’t matter. It was like walking into my home. Yolie answered the door and before the greeting was over, I looked up and there he was, walking up to greet me. so i’ve been told we are related!, he said. And he gave me a little hug.
Yolie arranged lunch for us, and I couldn’t come empty handed. Kathy graciously picked up a few ingredients I asked her to get. Guess what I made. Buffalo Chicken Wing Dip. i didn’t know they are not big cheese fans, (especially cream cheese) but they were willing to try it. Everyone had seconds.
The entire day was relaxed and happy. Kathy was already there with my nephew, Christopher, and my niece, Sarah - who happens to be an artist, born April 7th, 1992. (my Rachel, born April 8th, 1992). Richard arrived a little later with Tilly, and then Joey. We all sat around talking and laughing more… sharing more details… little nuggets about our lives, our histories. Listening to Richard question how he could be my dad, but having the brothers and Yolie just laugh: Oh, there’s no question. Just look at you two!
it all felt right. it all felt real. and it all felt like wonder. like a fairytale come true.
I have 5 brothers! and a dad! and an entire family to add to what I already have! And if you know me, you know family means everything to me. And thanks to John and Estelle, my mom and dad, that concept, that feeling was never about biology. Estelle led by example when it came to opening her heart, and opening her home. She was ALWAYS there for whoever needed her - and sometimes when they didn’t. All I know is my families are my world.
I shared this fairytale with someone i love & respect. This is what she said about fairytales:
a fairy tale is about adventure, perseverance, and finding one's way to (good) fortune....your fairy tale is the family and all you spin to gold in Kroft Castle ~ it is your heart, the one you live (and one you learned from Estelle).
so, this. is. my. Fairytale. and there’s more to come. in the mean time, if ya wanna dish a bit, pick up the phone & give me a ring.
noticing.
i was listening to my heart this morning. it is so heavy. i can barely feel the beating. i just feel this lump within me, weighted down with sadness, loneliness and confusion. darkness. sometimes it hurts when i breathe. occasionally i feel it swell when i inhale.
i’ve also noticed when i inhale, my eyes well. then i’m afraid to exhale, fearing the tears will spill from my eyes. what if it doesn’t stop? if i allow myself to cry, will the tears be hot and fast, burning down my face or slow and steady - just an endless stream?
my eyes ache. literally - right in their sockets. from everything they’ve read over the last few days and weeks. from all the work they see - right in front of them - that no one else sees. i try to wipe away the disbelief, but i can’t unsee it !
my hands have betrayed me. they no longer have the strength or desire to work. they ache from lack of touch. to stretch my fingers without connecting with another human is empty.
my soul is being crushed. that’s what it feels like when that lump in my chest swells, pretending to love me, but it’s just a reminder how loveless this world and my life is right now.
then i feel it in my gut. that’s when i really notice the fear. it’s fear in my belly, no longer fire. a swollen reminder of too much of the wrong foods and too much wine. eating and drinking to soothe oneself is a slippery slope. certainly i know this. but i don’t really care right now.
my body is starting to retaliate tho. not only with a rash/reaction on my neck and chest, but now the backs of my thighs. what the hell is going on?
yet i smile and let the world turn, cause let’s face it: everyone is struggling right now. don’t let them kid you. it’s so much easier to suffer in silence than it is to open up. to be honest and transparent. oy… my nervous system and emotional state is fucked right now. every cell is grieving.
i remind myself, this to shall pass. but what will it pass into? what comes next? when will the other shoe drop?
then i say to myself, stay present. live in the moment! this moment, ugh. i feel paralyzed. no, i cannot get out of my own way. but i can be gentle with myself. i am okay. i may never be great again, but i’m okay. please, for the love of all that is holy, let me be okay.
and then i inhale and i exhale. pause.
what was that? i feel this tiny glimmer trying to shine out from under this heaviness that has enveloped me. is it hope? god, let it be hope! i will push and i will try to reactivate my zest for… anything.
ah. smell that coffee. that’ll do it for today.
18 Years (1/27/04)
last day of vacation.
been doing a lot of thinking about parenting & relationships. my mom’s anniversary is creeping up fast. tomorrow in fact.
she ditched me 18 years ago. sometimes i’m annoyed that she’s not here. sometimes, i feel like i’m in limbo because i’ll never know how life would have been for my kids (and me) if she was still here. and just as important, how would we have impacted her.
i can imagine she would have influenced how i raised my kids immensely.
i was recently told i’m not the hard ass i think i am. this may or may not be true, as it depends on who you’re speaking to. 😂 but i think i know this, and sometimes i acknowledge it. but more times than not, being “just like my mother” is something i don’t discourage. I embody or channel Estelle often. how could i not. she raised me.
All my mom ever wanted was children. she didn’t have an easy life. but she never outwardly complained or seemed to feel sorry for herself. she met and married dad, and together they worked hard to better their lives.
at 35yo, my mom adopted me and my sister. (dad was 40). life didn’t get easier, but boy, it got busier and they had, and provided us, quite a life!
last night, as i was dealing with a kid who didn’t want to go to bed, i could feel Estelle well up in me. it didn’t feel good - not because i think she was wrong in how she raised me, but in the fact that i’ve changed and may not necessarily agree with how she used to parent/react … [i know i continued that parenting with my own for quite a while.]
last night i could see it no longer translates or resonates. but i also didn’t know exactly what to do to make a difference. to be heard. to understand. raising kids will never be a straight line.
my biggest regret? waking up and yelling at my kids to get them moving. what a crappy way to start the day. all the rushing/screaming we did - raising 5 kids - how i wish i knew the importance of slowing down in order to observe more. to criticize less. to listen more - with an open heart. And to make the generous choice of finding different ways to process morning (or afternoon or evening) routines. to really be the best we could be for ourselves and for each other.
i watch my friends with little kids and middle-aged kids… trying to navigate life. to find ways to balance careers, errands, dinners, activities, homework, housework, relationships. there’s little time for self care, their relationships, let alone really paying attention to the moment. everyone is too exhausted. and everything else is so important/urgent.
my mom would collapse at the end of the day and look over the plans to do it all again the next. usually shortchanging one of the areas - mostly her relationship with my dad - and never taking time to care for herself. (hence having a heart attack - while driving down the road - on her way to hedges - even though they were closed for the season. she never stopped working or taking care of shit) *sigh* hindsight is 20/20.
what do i miss most? having someone hold me accountable because i don’t know everything. having someone call me out on my bullshit when i’m on my soapbox. having someone forgive me when i rant & rave and make mistakes. having someone hug me when i’m scared and need a good cry. wishing i could go home, when i’m feeling overwhelmed and needing a little protection from the outside world. her love was unconditional.
however - sometimes - we all need a solid kick in the ass. Estelle was the woman for that! Grateful she was forever on my side, in my corner and looking out for me - whether i liked it or not.
i think mom is providing an opportunity where i can turn my thoughts to how i can improve my parenting, because it’s not just about parenting. it’s relationship. how do i continue to observe, listen, and most importantly pause.
that pause - where i think before i speak.
where i choose response over reaction.
and instead of criticizing others or myself so harshly, (because i learned that from the best) choose to be gentle with myself and those i love. to be patient. to forgive. and to continue ways to slow down - without the guilt.
mom, how i wish you were here so we could continue this journey together. learning, listening and simply growing to be better moms, daughters, sisters, wives, friends - women! we would have been unstoppable together! especially with your grandchildren joining in!
instead, i’ll continue channeling Estelle’s best traits: her generous heart. her willing spirit. her endless energy! she did this so well for so many others - but many times it was lost on us. such is life. and that’s okay.
miss you mom… 18 years. the span of a child’s formative time with their parents. and the span parents have their kids 24/7. thank you for ALL of it. ❤️
messages the universe sends
i smile whenever the universe sends me these messages/reminders. they are always timely! why? because the universe is always conspiring for your success!
it was timely because it appeared in my newsfeed, right after i got home from a counseling appt. today, we were continuing discussions on this very subject - loyalty in relationship to family, work, and friends.
it appears the residual ‘stuff’ from a broken or lost relationship - the reactions/responses, what it produces, how it lingers or takes root - is what cloud opportunities for progress, healing. growth. to a certain degree, i know this.
whether it’s guilt, shame, fear, disappointment, suspicion, resentment, anger, profound sadness, etc. the culmination can be depression - deep pain and loss. and when it doesn’t get acknowledged or processed: it becomes grief. what i didn’t realize is that grief can be crippling and affect current and new relationships trying to bloom.
thinking about the losses i’ve experienced in my life (mindfully taking breaks as to not overwhelm or dwell) and how the hurt has defined or perpetuated loss… man, being stuck in grief is really difficult.
so i’m taking my time pondering, reevaluating and accepting or rejecting - as needed.
acknowledging grief, the impact of pain and loss over the years as been interesting. finally noticing where and how i have been stuck/depressed is slow and awkward. however it’s also cathartic, thoughtful.
finally, i find it is bringing about some good work on self-compassion and self-forgiveness, as well as learning to let go.
i’m recognizing who my tribe is and who it isn’t.
the beauty of this? there is healing. freedom. gratitude. and grace for the humanity of it all.
remembering one of my favorite judith hanson lasater’s nuggets: ‘how human of you, how human of me’ keeps it honest. keeps it real.
i’m also thankful for a counselor that isn’t afraid to compassionately challenge me or my traditional ways of thinking, (so much stems from that maternal relationship - sometimes it’s just hard to see it) but mostly for bringing to my attention that not every single thing is, or could be, my fault.
change your perspective and you can change your world.
Nothing
sometimes when i meditate i feel like a failure. i can’t slow down my mind. i fidget. i open one eye and look around. i ask myself what can i do to be better? to be more?
Nothing.
when my mind spins, sometimes i tell myself there’s nothing to do. nothing to fix. nothing to stop. there’s no thing that will change this moment. and there’s nothing i can do. Is that enough?
Yes. sit. be still. focus on my inhales and exhales. it’s enough.
But shouldn’t I be doing more? Instead of doing less? it feels rebellious. it feels wrong - like i losing time, wasting time. i should be taking advantage of this time. however, time is not mine to manipulate.
am i gaining anything by doing nothing? sometimes. maybe some clarity. perspective. patience. the ability to recognize this moment. and in this moment, there is nothing and no thing to do. it is enough to sit. it is enough to breathe. and i am enough.
Enough.
slowing i am learning the art of doing nothing. slowing i am learning that doing nothing is something. and slowing i am learning that doing nothing doesn’t mean i am nothing. it means i am enough.
sit. be still. breathe.
2021 Kroft Christmas Letter
How’s your heart? I recently came across a 2-page response I had written to that question back in 2014. Then just last week, I heard the question again ~ at yoga. I took it as a sign from the universe because there are no coincidences, So, I prepared to write this holiday letter by asking myself again: How is my heart?
In 2021, my heart was quiet, reflective. We’ve established that a holiday letter is typically a glimpse at the bright spots of the year. And I believe we agree that that isn’t real life. My heart has had many ups & downs this year. If I’m honest, it’s a little down more than I’d like. But there’s always tomorrow, and it’ll probably be a little more up. 😊
In January, Rachel & I went on a silent retreat. YES. I can be quiet for an entire weekend! We meditated, walked, sat, ate, & meditated some more. ALL IN SILENCE. It was grounding & inspiring. I still had a physical space to teach in (at Balance), so I taught 4 classes a week. It felt somewhat normal - even though we wore masks and maintained 6’ distance from mat to mat. My heart was healing. In late July, the studio officially closed.
Everyone was fully vaccinated by the end of March. Jake moved out and into a half of a house with Rachel. My heart was nervous! The two of them are working hard & learning a lot about each other. They are close to home, and both visit often. My heart is proud. Rachel secured her own studio space, which is within walking distance to her new place. Jake works full time as a server at Country Club of Rochester. Holly is immersed in her nursing program and started clinicals in October. Justin continues to be supportive and the two of them are on a solid path. Covid hasn’t slowed his work schedule, yet he always finds time to help my projects. My heart is grateful.
In April, we desperately needed sunshine and chose to drive to Florida instead of flying. We made it leisurely and visited the Hollis’ in Wake Forest. In Florida, we stayed with Peg & Herb, saw Heather & the kids in Clearwater, the Womack’s in Tampa, and in Ft. Myers, the Infantino’s and my friend, Michelle. On the drive home, we stopped at Alice’s new digs in Charlotte. The driving was exhausting. My heart was tired. But what a gift to spend time with friends. It made it all worthwhile! Thank God for friendship.
We were blessed with an invitation to go to Italy in July/Aug to celebrate Rosie Madison’s 70th birthday. Her son, David, put the trip together with some of their other family members, and Michael & I were honored to be included. We didn’t hesitate to say yes. (more on that later.)
Summer arrived and we were relieved to be outside enjoying the sunshine, golf, yoga, hanging poolside, and celebrating togetherness. In that spirit, we spent Memorial Weekend at a lake house on Conesus with the fam. In June, I started my 8th year of teaching Sunset Yoga at the Lake. Michael played golf 2-3 times a week and he won the Webster Golf Club Senior Championship. His heart was beaming!
Since Jake missed out on the typical festivities one usually has when they turn 21, we surprised him for his 22nd at Flagg’s with a huge group of his closest friends. His heart was exploding! (He may never drink long island iced teas again)
In July, we noticed our friends, Korynn & Rosario, were short staffed at their restaurant. Michael had an idea. So, I offered. She accepted. You can now find me hostessing at La Bella Vita 2-3 nights a week. It’s a lovely, family-run, authentic Italian restaurant. My heart is fulfilled.
Back to Italy…our trip was like living in a postcard – Rome, the Piatza Navona, Sorrento & Positano, Capri, swimming in the Mediterranean & sipping Prosecco every afternoon! Brandon, Rhonda, Leroy & Jake have become family. Rosie, David & Ray already are. It was the perfect trip and we will definitely all travel together again – sooner than later! Our hearts were mesmerized.
I developed pain in my low back/hip and down my left leg. It was excruciating– especially when sitting. After eastern therapies were exhausted, western medicine led me to a neurosurgeon. But my heart was not stressed. Long story short: it’s a 6mm soft tissue mass (a fragmented herniated disc) impinging my L4 nerve root. It is self-correcting and will dissolve on its own over time. Happy I’m almost 100% pain-free. My heart (back & hip) is relieved!
The pain in my back was nothing compared to what we had to go through in late September. The whole family was pushed to their emotional limit. We had to put Henry down. It was the absolute worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Henry was our love and my boy’s best friend. Jake’s goal was for him to make his 10th birthday on 09/10. It was good to celebrate that milestone. The past decade, Henry (and Indy) has brought us so much joy! Our phenomenal vet, Dr. Tim Vleuten, from County Line Animal Hospital helped Henry cross over a two weeks later. Our hearts were broken wide open. Life is not the same without him. Michael and Jake miss him deeply. Thank God, Indiana seems to be adjusting without his brother. We are all grieving. My heart is profoundly sad.
During autumn, I’ve reflected on losses & learning. I spent my time fixing leaking pool filters, cleaning grout, rescuing diamonds in a sink drain traps, and learning how to acquiesce/share my favorite space, the kitchen. Learning new levels of patience and grace. My heart is quieter. I am rarely on social media. But I did connect with an amazing woman on Facebook, Lisa Brenner Marshall. She is chronicling her husband’s health journey and her role as a caregiver. She is so impressive and inspirational that I went to Connecticut to meet her. I feel like I’ve gained an ally/friend re: caregiving. My heart was gratified.
In this house, we’re all devoted Buffalo Bills fans. Jake & Holly know more about the players than I do. Football Sundays are loud and raucous! We play euchre, devour Buffalo chicken wing dip and cheer for our Bills! It’s fan-tastic! We saw 2 games at Highmark Stadium. Makes us wanna shout! #billieve
Our annual October trip to Hilton Head included the Hollis’ and this year, Heather drove up to complete the family, and now we have a new tradition! My heart is full!
Michael & I celebrated 25 years on October 19th. 25 YEARS! But my heart was confused because I didn’t know it was our 25th! So, no big, splashy celebration. Instead, it was a lovely, intimate dinner for two. Simple, quiet. Our hearts were satisfied.
The changing of the seasons has brought more challenges for Michael. Golf season is over. Colder, dreary, darker weather is not his friend. We are doing everything we can to figure out new ways & creative plans to help alleviate stress and anxiety: healthier eating, more exercise, mindfulness meditation, bright light therapy, positive self-talk, writing exercises, on-line classes and volunteering on Fridays. My heart is frustrated and stressed.
Thanksgiving was the best this year! We were blessed to have Sylvia, from Chicago, and Roger, from London, be here! My heart was ecstatic! Aaron & his girlfriend Leah joined us, and everything was so satisfying – the foods, the togetherness, the football! So fortunate to have such amazing friends become family. My heart is overflowing!
For 2022, we’ll keep moving forward. I’ve created a website where I can catalogue my favorite recipes, blog a little when the spirit moves me, and share some of my favorite photos! I call it Dishing at the Castle. Would love for you to visit the site, sign up/subscribe to my page, and share your feedback. THAT will make my heart very full & very happy!
Here’s the link: https://decagon-indigo-j3cm.squarespace.com/config/pages
(or just ask me to text it to you – I’ll change it eventually to something easier to remember. hah)
I’m also planning on teaching yoga (flow & restorative) here at the house starting in January. We’ve converted the basement into a yoga space, so if you’re interested, let me know!
Merry Christmas. Happy Hannukah. Joyous Kwanzaa. We send so much love. And all of our happy thoughts. May 2022 be healthier, kinder, quieter and more compassionate. Xo, h & m~
October 19
When it all began.
Originally written for our twentieth, but then updated for our 25th.
We did it. We made it to our 25th wedding anniversary!
In a nutshell, here’s the story:
On October 19th, I met this guy. We had a mutual friend who thought it would be a good idea for us to meet. In the beginning, it was awkward… for lots of reasons. But mostly because it didn’t take long to see we were/are very different people. Evidently there is some truth to ‘opposites attract.’ But what kept my attention the most, (besides his “Aladdin-ish” good looks) were the words he chose whenever we talked. I loved listening to him. And when we weren’t talking, we were listening to music. So when we couldn’t find the words, we’d find the perfect music to say what we couldn’t.
On October 19th, I accepted his proposal when he asked me to marry him. It was an amazing proposal. We were in Toronto to see Phantom of the Opera. Anyway, I was just expecting to see Phantom of the Opera, but Michael had other plans. We had a lovely, romantic dinner at Hy’s Steakhouse (which is still there) and it was there, he proposed. Everything he said was perfect. I was so moved by his words… how I wish I could remember everything he said! But I remember how I felt: incredibly loved. And together, we looked forward to our future – what an incredible adventure it would be !
On October 19th, I married him. It was a whirlwind of a weekend. Just the two of us. We flew to Colorado Springs, where our friend, Pastor Greg would marry us. The time we spent with him, his wife, Heidi, and daughter, Meghan, was pivotal to our beginning, our success as a married couple. We knew it would be work, but we were confident and felt ready for the challenges this life together would bring. We were very optimistic.
We experienced all four seasons in the four days we spent in Colorado. We spoke our vows at the foot of Cheyenne Mountain, on the 3rd hole of the West Golf Course at the Broadmoor Hotel, and the bells tolled as we said our “I do’s” (noon). Talk about picturesque. Of course, our vows reflected this – leading us besides still waters, walking in green pastures, our cup runneth over. Love the 23rd Psalm!
One month after we wed, we did it all again at The Clark House @ Shadow Pines, so we could marry the kids ‘into’ the family. As I looked back at those photos, it’s remarkable that our 70+ friends and family who are still earth-side, are all still active in our lives. And it was the first (and only) time Michael’s entire family was in town.
Our newly formed family of 5 was on it’s way! And from day one, we experienced lots of anxiety and stress, but so much anticipation and excitement.
On this day, October 19th, we celebrate anniversary after anniversary after anniversary.
On the first anniversary, years 1-5 flew! We were strong and committed to what was before us. it was a feeling of accomplishment, because the odds against blended families are stacked pretty high, right from the start. So that first year is pivotal. He had kids… I had a kid… there was extended family, estranged family, and an ex-wife. Oh the stories we could tell.
We experienced a lot of firsts, too – building Kroft Castle, moving in together as a family, creating color-coded schedules and calendars (that I still maintain to this day), finding out we were pregnant, having a baby, dealing with some post-partum, and of course, the general stress of being newlyweds. Which resulted in arguing/fighting. There was plenty of that.
By the 5th anniversary, there was a feeling of relief. We made it FIVE years! That’s a long time for a blended family. We renewed our vows in preparation for years 6-10. Pastor Peter did the honors that afternoon. Michael joined us long enough to repeat the vows, then he had to go back to work. Peter and I had a nice lunch together.
Five years brought another child… and that completed our family: boy-girl-girl-girl-boy. What a whirl wind of a time. Some of our most stressful, complicated years, no doubt.
By the 10th anniversary, there was a feeling of satisfaction. We renewed our vows with tuxedos, fancy dresses, and a full-blown reception afterwards. It was a day filled with love, memories, forgiveness, laughter, singing, dancing, and just plain old-fashioned fun & joy. We were growing and thriving as a family, but those second five years brought every imaginable heartache. We lost Fred, Mom, Allan, and in year 11, Dad.
Sometimes there just are not enough tears, hugs or words.
The kids were fully entrenched on their own paths, which meant we were flying in 5 different directions all the time. We had so much to do, we were spread very thin, but we were still learning and growing, even when we didn’t know it. Michael was really focused at work. I was really focused at home. He did him. I did me. We were very independent in those years.
By the 15th anniversary, a feeling of relaxation and starting fresh revived us. We were supposed to renew our vows… this time on the beach at Hilton Head Island. Instead, we spent it at urgent care having Michael’s wedding band cut off his finger. (He jammed it playing football on the beach.) But we took it in stride and it always makes me smile when we re-tell the story.
On the 20th anniversary, we renewed our vows at sunset on Lake Ontario. We reflected on how the last 5 years have really changed us and our marriage. The kids grew up and started to leave the nest. We got puppies, Henry & Indiana. Michael retired. And I thought year 15-20 had been the hardest. I was so blessed & grateful that yoga found me. And for those of you who practice - you know exactly what I mean. Then Restorative yoga/Judith Hansen Lasater came into the picture along with Mindfulness Meditation. What gifts.
But years 21-25, well they said “hold my beer.” And most of you know exactly what I’m talking about.
* * * * *
Overall, these past 25 years have been a blur: The chaos, the stress, and the busy-ness. The arguments, the fights, and the silence. The tears, the laughter, and the pure joy. The heartbreak – shared and separate, the miracles, the tragedies. and throughout it all: the unconditional love. What a ride it’s been! When we reflect on this life we’ve built, we smile a lot. We laugh at the stories. We marvel that we’ve survived some of them, we are embarrassed by others, and take great pride in the amazing human beings we will always call our ‘kids’. We know it’s by the Grace of God that we were brought together, and have subsequently stayed together. We work hard to not focus on the differences or the difficulties, but on the positives and the gifts we have been given.
Creating this family, being a family, growing as a family is what started this adventure. Our family has sustained us, entertained us, and at times, been the bane of our existence. Raising a family - especially a blended one, while trying to stay connected as a couple, AND continuing to grow as an individual, (thank you yoga & meditation) well, it is a LIFE’S WORK. And we wouldn’t be here without our faith, commitment, and stubbornness, not to mention the love and support from our friends.
So, I dedicate this first post, some food for thought, to my guy, Michael. The one guy who will tolerate, support, and love me - like only he can. The guy who makes me laugh, keeps me grounded, easily infuriates me, and eventually does what I ask, even if it’s on his time table and not mine. The guy who has been by my side, through life and death, through happy and sad, through chaos and calm. *sigh* I am completely and ridiculously blessed.
Now, the road ahead is unknown. We definitely have some real challenges ahead of us for years 26-30. But we’ll face them together. And when that is no longer something we can do, we will take care of what we can, on our own, for ourselves, for the other, and keep moving forward One Day at a Time.
Dear Michael. My Kroft. My guy. Happy Anniversary! You will always have my heart.
October 19, 2023 (year 30, married 27)
time.
my relationship with time has changed dramatically over the last few years. i no longer wish to rush it. yet i’m still learning to savor it. i no longer pack my days from sun up til sun down. instead of rushing, i take time to close my eyes for 20 minutes in the afternoon ~ that is a gift!
so much time has flown by. we have packed A LOT into 30 years. it’s been wild & crazy at times.
yes, some of it squandered, marred by regret, sadness. and we’ll never get that back. time is funny like that ~ instead i revisit what i can’t forget by reminiscing & dreaming. sometimes time is cruel & unforgiving like that.
i don’t really worry about what’s coming. it is what it is. instead i appreciate the beauty & simplicity of a steaming cup of coffee, in the silence of early morning hours, where candles illuminate my favorite room, with a sink of dishes needing to be washed. their time will come.
yes, 30 years have flown by, my love… and they said it wouldn’t last. we haven’t always been this happy! am i right?
ah. ‘poor michael’ - stuck with me for 30 years. met, engaged and married all on the same day. how fortunate he only has to remember one date. time is ironic like that.
may we be blessed with happy and joy-filled moments, as time may have other plans.
How is your heart?
It all begins with an idea.
my inspiration for my 2021 Christmas Letter.
How is my heart?
I would like to think my heart is beating along, just fine. But my heart is heavy and sometimes sad. I feel it getting older. It’s not as strong as it used to be. But at the same time, it keeps on beating and keeping up with what I’m doing, where I am, etc. and it is strong. Like me.
I am NOT as busy as you might think. I am more lonely than I am busy. Being busy is a way to avoid loneliness. Emptiness. What’s the opposite of that? Filling up! Being busy. It’s a vicious cycle.
I love people. I love the time spent, the conversations discussed, the physicality of doing stuff together and the fun shared. But people in general are VERY BUSY. They don’t have time for themselves or their families let alone time to spend with me. So I invite my friends over for special occasions. Dinners, parties, football games, pool time, pedicures, lunch, coffee dates, yoga practice, taking ordinary events and making them something “special”. If they accept, they are being a part of that ‘specialness’ that they can justify in their own lives, on their own schedules. If I simply said, ‘come over and sit for a while’. No one would come. Ever. You know it’s true.
I love my family. But it is evolving. I’m trying to figure out where I fit.
When the family was new and expanding, it was easier. The busy-ness was expected, but we had more energy, therefore, it was okay to be busy. It really wasn’t more, it was really keeping up. We did have 5 kids between the two of us. An ex-wife, and 4 aging parents. No small feat. And we successfully navigated those blended family years, but it came with a cost, as everything does.
As a parent, it doesn’t matter if they are 3, 13 or 30. You worry, wonder, plan, hope & pray for each kid. Every day. For us, that was times five. That can keep me busy all by itself! But believe it or not: I also don’t give them a second thought for the majority of the day. I raised them to be self-sufficient, independent, compassionate, and contributing individuals. I have done this successfully. I am not living their lives. They are. They navigate their own life course. I am their safe haven for when they need a listening ear. Sometimes I give unsolicited advice. But I am also blessed that when they do spend time with me, it’s because they WANT TO and not because they have to.
I have a newly retired husband. We all know how that is going. But do we really? Do I ask him how he is? Emotionally? Mentally? Has our communication gotten better or worse? Do we enjoy each other enough to make the other a priority? Like new relationships do --- in those early days --- when it’s ALL about the other? So busy with each other. But the other busyness of life, work, family takes a toll on the closest ones to you.
I see no one reaching out to him. I see no friends in his life calling, asking questions, wanting to know about him or his heart. This is not an exaggeration. But he spent 32 years of his life working, to provide for his family, and have some kind of a career. In turn, he is now left alone. Perhaps he’s okay with that.
I have jobs. I’ve never had a career. I don’t have a college education. I was raised with common sense, and I learned by living. I’ve never had a path to follow. I blaze my own trail as much as I can. Sometimes these jobs are incredibly fulfilling, but as my life has changed, now they are an annoyance, and a great sense of frustration. I know I am good at what I do, but if I’m expendable, or questioned at every turn, that’s not liberating or empowering. It’s sad. BUT! We have to work in order to earn money in order to pay for stuff. Another vicious cycle.
Life isn’t easy. The baggage we bring into this life morphs as we get older. Patterns are set before we are born. If we are not intuitive enough, or INTERESTED in know why we are the way we are, why we do the things we do, the tradition that was created generations ago continues right into present day. And we hand it off to our children. Right, wrong or indifferent.
Why do I do what I do?
It was taught. I learned it well. I don’t have a choice. I don’t know a different way. Or do I? Perhaps.
I do what I do because it’s what I know. I question what I do more than people might think. Not so much for what they think about my choices, how I live my life, but for my own sanity and personal growth. Personal growth has been a focal point of mine for a long time. I do not devote anywhere near as much time to it as I should. That’s (my) life.
My goals for this second half of my life, (I am almost 50! Wouldn’t it be amazing if I lived to be 100!?!?) Let’s hope not. Anyway, I digress. My goals for the next few years are to continue my personal growth. To know when to step back. To have less guilt about not doing what I should or shouldn’t be doing.
But: there is also a huge part of me that wants to do MORE!
I want to travel more! I want to enlarge my garden, and learn more about gardening and the earth. I want to practice what I preach regarding healthy eating and using oils. I want to do more yoga. I want to continue honing that passion on (and off) my mat. I want to go back to playing the piano more. Cooking more. Drawing again! Getting involved in arts and crafts again! Making more instead of buying more. I’d like to send more cards, make more fires, take more pictures, visit old friends, and just DO MORE.
But I don’t want to do it alone.
I miss my mom… but it’s not that heart-wrenching pain from the early days. I barely miss my dad. Mainly because he was so quiet the majority of his life, in his death, that is no different. He is just a quiet presence, watching silently. I regret the distance within our families. Jan, Steve, and Nancy. My five kids will more than likely never have a relationship with their cousin John. And as far as any other blood relatives go, there’s no one left. And I’ve never believed it was about blood anyway. I believe it’s about time spent, hugs shared, and tears shed. It’s about the time and attention we give ourselves and to the ones we treasure. Period.
So, to answer your question, my heart is just fine. It beats on a regular basis. It loves 24/7, and it hurts when it is lonely or overwhelmed.
Thank you for asking the question.
originally written 11/11/2014
revisited, (but not changed) 11/21/2021