noticing.

i was listening to my heart this morning. it is so heavy. i can barely feel the beating. i just feel this lump within me, weighted down with sadness, loneliness and confusion. darkness. sometimes it hurts when i breathe. occasionally i feel it swell when i inhale. 

i’ve also noticed when i inhale, my eyes well. then i’m afraid to exhale, fearing the tears will spill from my eyes. what if it doesn’t stop?  if i allow myself to cry, will the tears be hot and fast, burning down my face or slow and steady - just an endless stream?

my eyes ache. literally - right in their sockets. from everything they’ve read over the last few days and weeks. from all the work they see - right in front of them - that no one else sees.  i try to wipe away the disbelief, but i can’t unsee it !

my hands have betrayed me. they no longer have the strength or desire to work. they ache from lack of touch. to stretch my fingers without connecting with another human is empty. 

my soul is being crushed. that’s what it feels like when that lump in my chest swells, pretending to love me, but it’s just a reminder how loveless this world and my life is right now. 

then i feel it in my gut. that’s when i really notice the fear. it’s fear in my belly, no longer fire. a swollen reminder of too much of the wrong foods and too much wine. eating and drinking to soothe oneself is a slippery slope. certainly i know this. but i don’t really care right now. 

my body is starting to retaliate tho. not only with a rash/reaction on my neck and chest, but now the backs of my thighs.  what the hell is going on?

yet i smile and let the world turn, cause let’s face it: everyone is struggling right now. don’t let them kid you. it’s so much easier to suffer in silence than it is to open up. to be honest and transparent. oy… my nervous system and emotional state is fucked right now. every cell is grieving. 

i remind myself, this to shall pass. but what will it pass into?  what comes next?  when will the other shoe drop? 

then i say to myself, stay present. live in the moment!  this moment, ugh. i feel paralyzed. no, i cannot get out of my own way. but i can be gentle with myself. i am okay. i may never be great again, but i’m okay. please, for the love of all that is holy, let me be okay.

and then i inhale and i exhale. pause.

what was that? i feel this tiny glimmer trying to shine out from under this heaviness that has enveloped me. is it hope? god, let it be hope! i will push and i will try to reactivate my zest for… anything. 

ah. smell that coffee. that’ll do it for today.