18 Years (1/27/04)

last day of vacation.

been doing a lot of thinking about parenting & relationships. my mom’s anniversary is creeping up fast. tomorrow in fact.

she ditched me 18 years ago. sometimes i’m annoyed that she’s not here. sometimes, i feel like i’m in limbo because i’ll never know how life would have been for my kids (and me) if she was still here. and just as important, how would we have impacted her.

i can imagine she would have influenced how i raised my kids immensely.

i was recently told i’m not the hard ass i think i am. this may or may not be true, as it depends on who you’re speaking to. 😂 but i think i know this, and sometimes i acknowledge it. but more times than not, being “just like my mother” is something i don’t discourage. I embody or channel Estelle often. how could i not. she raised me.

All my mom ever wanted was children. she didn’t have an easy life. but she never outwardly complained or seemed to feel sorry for herself. she met and married dad, and together they worked hard to better their lives.

at 35yo, my mom adopted me and my sister. (dad was 40). life didn’t get easier, but boy, it got busier and they had, and provided us, quite a life!

last night, as i was dealing with a kid who didn’t want to go to bed, i could feel Estelle well up in me. it didn’t feel good - not because i think she was wrong in how she raised me, but in the fact that i’ve changed and may not necessarily agree with how she used to parent/react … [i know i continued that parenting with my own for quite a while.]

last night i could see it no longer translates or resonates. but i also didn’t know exactly what to do to make a difference. to be heard. to understand. raising kids will never be a straight line.

my biggest regret? waking up and yelling at my kids to get them moving. what a crappy way to start the day. all the rushing/screaming we did - raising 5 kids - how i wish i knew the importance of slowing down in order to observe more. to criticize less. to listen more - with an open heart. And to make the generous choice of finding different ways to process morning (or afternoon or evening) routines. to really be the best we could be for ourselves and for each other.

i watch my friends with little kids and middle-aged kids… trying to navigate life. to find ways to balance careers, errands, dinners, activities, homework, housework, relationships. there’s little time for self care, their relationships, let alone really paying attention to the moment. everyone is too exhausted. and everything else is so important/urgent.

my mom would collapse at the end of the day and look over the plans to do it all again the next. usually shortchanging one of the areas - mostly her relationship with my dad - and never taking time to care for herself. (hence having a heart attack - while driving down the road - on her way to hedges - even though they were closed for the season. she never stopped working or taking care of shit) *sigh* hindsight is 20/20.

what do i miss most? having someone hold me accountable because i don’t know everything. having someone call me out on my bullshit when i’m on my soapbox. having someone forgive me when i rant & rave and make mistakes. having someone hug me when i’m scared and need a good cry. wishing i could go home, when i’m feeling overwhelmed and needing a little protection from the outside world. her love was unconditional.

however - sometimes - we all need a solid kick in the ass. Estelle was the woman for that! Grateful she was forever on my side, in my corner and looking out for me - whether i liked it or not.

i think mom is providing an opportunity where i can turn my thoughts to how i can improve my parenting, because it’s not just about parenting. it’s relationship. how do i continue to observe, listen, and most importantly pause.

that pause - where i think before i speak.

where i choose response over reaction.

and instead of criticizing others or myself so harshly, (because i learned that from the best) choose to be gentle with myself and those i love. to be patient. to forgive. and to continue ways to slow down - without the guilt.

mom, how i wish you were here so we could continue this journey together. learning, listening and simply growing to be better moms, daughters, sisters, wives, friends - women! we would have been unstoppable together! especially with your grandchildren joining in!

instead, i’ll continue channeling Estelle’s best traits: her generous heart. her willing spirit. her endless energy! she did this so well for so many others - but many times it was lost on us. such is life. and that’s okay.

miss you mom… 18 years. the span of a child’s formative time with their parents. and the span parents have their kids 24/7. thank you for ALL of it. ❤️