there are days…
and then there are weeks!
this is what i know: i’m blessed. i’m lucky. i’m safe. i’m okay.
there are things that happen in a moment, an hour, a day, that naturally shape the outcome of it. and that, in turn, also alters the path for whether we go left, right, continue straight… or god forbid, go backwards.
yet there’s another layer that intertwines with what’s happening all around us and that is what’s happening within us.
the key to managing the moment? intentional breathing. inhaling and exhaling.
for the most part, this bodily function happens without me working at it or even thinking about it. so if I hone in or channel it, i am able to pay attention to it and think, regulate, function and BE in the moment, ready as i can be for what should happen next - because my breath has slowed me down. i’ve held space for myself. what a concept.
this was the “vacation” that wasn’t.
yes, we had sunshine and a couple walks on the beach, but we also had life course changing events that could have been catastrophic. (thankfully, that didn’t happen.)
pegs broken femur, almost stroking out and dealing with deeply bruised ribs has affected and changed her (and herbs) path (again) and it’s one neither of them want to be on.
we’ve all done a lot of breathing.
the failures and miscommunications by the hospital, insurance company and the home health care companies, the phone calls, voicemails, messages, unanswered and unreturned calls, all of it adding up to more delays instead of making any solid forward progress.
being stuck in limbo that we don’t understand and can’t seem to maneuver is unsettling, confusing, scary and a little maddening. let me tell you… i’ve breathed deep!
todays calamities are almost laughable. my breath and my focus on hope became an anchor. my way to stay in the moment and face each and every mishap, surprise, question, upset, calamity, comedy of errors, etc. ugh.
why? because someone was watching and taking cues. it was important to pay attention to what (who) was around me. remaining calm, methodical, thoughtful and kind. this was important and so much better than the alternatives. there’s always a bigger picture, is there not?
it is what it is.
now, at the same time, i noticed my humanness seeping through more than i’d like. i wanted to lash out, to be furious and indignant. i wanted to cry and let those hot tears melt me into a puddle.
sometimes my heart aches and i don’t understand why, how, and when this will end. so much of it is not fair. my plate is so full. what kind of sense of humor does God have!? can i really carry all this weight and not let it crush me? how do i not give up?
i breathe.
inhaling and exhaling until that anxiety within settles down.
it’ll be okay. this is not a big deal. it’s not that bad. i will survive. it’s fine.
how often will i have to talk myself down from the ledge? as often as it takes. because i am a work in progress and i know i can forgive myself. after all: i am human.
I'm sure there is a lot more i could say. there usually is.
but this is what i know: i’m blessed, I'm lucky, I'm safe and I'm okay.
