How is your heart?

my inspiration for my 2021 Christmas Letter.

How is my heart?

I would like to think my heart is beating along, just fine.  But my heart is heavy and sometimes sad.  I feel it getting older.  It’s not as strong as it used to be.  But at the same time, it keeps on beating and keeping up with what I’m doing, where I am, etc. and it is strong.  Like me.

I am NOT as busy as you might think.  I am more lonely than I am busy.  Being busy is a way to avoid loneliness.  Emptiness.  What’s the opposite of that?  Filling up!  Being busy.  It’s a vicious cycle.

I love people.  I love the time spent, the conversations discussed, the physicality of doing stuff together and the fun shared.  But people in general are VERY BUSY.  They don’t have time for themselves or their families let alone time to spend with me.   So I invite my friends over for special occasions.  Dinners, parties, football games, pool time, pedicures, lunch, coffee dates, yoga practice, taking ordinary events and making them something “special”.   If they accept, they are being a part of that ‘specialness’ that they can justify in their own lives, on their own schedules.  If I simply said, ‘come over and sit for a while’.  No one would come.  Ever.  You know it’s true.  

I love my family.  But it is evolving.  I’m trying to figure out where I fit.  

When the family was new and expanding, it was easier.  The busy-ness was expected, but we had more energy, therefore, it was okay to be busy.  It really wasn’t more, it was really keeping up.  We did have 5 kids between the two of us.  An ex-wife, and 4 aging parents.  No small feat.  And we successfully navigated those blended family years, but it came with a cost, as everything does.

As a parent, it doesn’t matter if they are 3, 13 or 30.  You worry, wonder, plan, hope & pray for each kid.  Every day.  For us, that was times five.  That can keep me busy all by itself!  But believe it or not:  I also don’t give them a second thought for the majority of the day.  I raised them to be self-sufficient, independent, compassionate, and contributing individuals. I have done this successfully.  I am not living their lives. They are.  They navigate their own life course.  I am their safe haven for when they need a listening ear.  Sometimes I give unsolicited advice.  But I am also blessed that when they do spend time with me, it’s because they WANT TO and not because they have to.  

I have a newly retired husband.  We all know how that is going.  But do we really? Do I ask him how he is?  Emotionally?  Mentally?  Has our communication gotten better or worse?  Do we enjoy each other enough to make the other a priority?  Like new relationships do --- in those early days --- when it’s ALL about the other?  So busy with each other.  But the other busyness of life, work, family takes a toll on the closest ones to you.  

I see no one reaching out to him.  I see no friends in his life calling, asking questions, wanting to know about him or his heart.  This is not an exaggeration.  But he spent 32 years of his life working, to provide for his family, and have some kind of a career. In turn, he is now left alone.  Perhaps he’s okay with that. 

I have jobs.  I’ve never had a career.  I don’t have a college education.  I was raised with common sense, and I learned by living.  I’ve never had a path to follow.  I blaze my own trail as much as I can.  Sometimes these jobs are incredibly fulfilling, but as my life has changed, now they are an annoyance, and a great sense of frustration.  I know I am good at what I do, but if I’m expendable, or questioned at every turn, that’s not liberating or empowering.  It’s sad.  BUT!  We have to work in order to earn money in order to pay for stuff. Another vicious cycle.

Life isn’t easy.  The baggage we bring into this life morphs as we get older.  Patterns are set before we are born.  If we are not intuitive enough, or INTERESTED in know why we are the way we are, why we do the things we do, the tradition that was created generations ago continues right into present day. And we hand it off to our children.  Right, wrong or indifferent.

Why do I do what I do?

It was taught.  I learned it well.  I don’t have a choice.  I don’t know a different way.  Or do I?  Perhaps.  

I do what I do because it’s what I know.  I question what I do more than people might think.  Not so much for what they think about my choices, how I live my life, but for my own sanity and personal growth.  Personal growth has been a focal point of mine for a long time.  I do not devote anywhere near as much time to it as I should.  That’s (my) life.

My goals for this second half of my life, (I am almost 50!  Wouldn’t it be amazing if I lived to be 100!?!?)  Let’s hope not.  Anyway, I digress.  My goals for the next few years are to continue my personal growth.  To know when to step back.  To have less guilt about not doing what I should or shouldn’t be doing.  

But:  there is also a huge part of me that wants to do MORE!

I want to travel more!  I want to enlarge my garden, and learn more about gardening and the earth.  I want to practice what I preach regarding healthy eating and using oils.  I want to do more yoga.  I want to continue honing that passion on (and off) my mat.  I want to go back to playing the piano more.  Cooking more.  Drawing again!  Getting involved in arts and crafts again!  Making more instead of buying more.  I’d like to send more cards, make more fires, take more pictures, visit old friends, and just DO MORE.

But I don’t want to do it alone.

I miss my mom… but it’s not that heart-wrenching pain from the early days. I barely miss my dad.  Mainly because he was so quiet the majority of his life, in his death, that is no different.  He is just a quiet presence, watching silently.  I regret the distance within our families.  Jan, Steve, and Nancy.  My five kids will more than likely never have a relationship with their cousin John.  And as far as any other blood relatives go, there’s no one left.  And I’ve never believed it was about blood anyway.  I believe it’s about time spent, hugs shared, and tears shed.  It’s about the time and attention we give ourselves and to the ones we treasure.  Period.

So, to answer your question, my heart is just fine.  It beats on a regular basis.  It loves 24/7, and it hurts when it is lonely or overwhelmed.

Thank you for asking the question.

originally written 11/11/2014

revisited, (but not changed) 11/21/2021