Remembrance: 20 years.
There are days I feel like my life is so boring without you. You were the pinnacle of who I could go to for ideas, help, gossip, reassurance, wisdom, and connection. You kept me on the straight & narrow - or you tried anyway. (oh who am I kidding, I rarely stepped out of line.)
There are days I don’t think about you at all. OMG, life is stupid busy. What a mistake. Busy busy busy, excuses, justifications, rationalizations… for the love of God! Why can’t we just pause more? I wish parents taught their kids how to slow down and/or do nothing. (in appropriate amounts - we don’t want any lazy bones laying around). But even if I don’t think about you, I sense you. I see you. I know you’re there. Maybe that’s why i don’t worry about thinking about you every day. You’ll be there when I need you.
Then there are days, specifically today, where you dominate my thoughts. I prefer silence on these days. I do a lot of heavy sighing. I light candles, soften my gaze, and my edges, and I reminisce. Sometimes I clean the entire house. Or make rouladen & dumplings. And I usually go shopping so you can buy me something I don’t need.
But the best part of this day is the silence. I don’t need to hear your voice chirping in my ear. Asking questions I don’t want to answer, or telling me what to do, when I already know how to do it, MOM! But in the silence, I can feel your presence. And my heart swells so much, tears spill out of my eyes.
We’ve reached another milestone, Mom. 20 years without you on this earth. There are now more people than less who knew you. Who knew you as my mom, or as Nana, or as a woman named Estelle. Your sister, Aunt Marion, is the only one left from your sibling group. Well into her 90s and doing the best she can, each and every day, with the love and support of her daughters. My cousins are soooo lucky to still have their mom on this earth.
This isn’t a long love letter. It’s a remembrance. It’s me slowing down to hold you close in my heart & in my thoughts. It’s acknowledging the world is a little less shiny for me today. a little less joyful. a little less promising. maybe even a little less hope.
But it’s also a beautiful, brand-new day where not only I can remember you, and I can send love & happy thoughts to my friend who has a birthday today. Yes, I’m thankful I can see the yin and yang. The balance required to keep moving forward. I have so many good days. And the bad days remind me to appreciate the good days! And the bad days don’t last… this too shall pass.
